Category: Reflections

Life Is Too Short to Stay Where You Aren’t Loved

For the past three years, I worked for a severe narcissist. Initially, I took the job because we needed the money, and it was in a field I was dying to work in. From the moment I met the two owners, I knew one of them was a narcissist. I ignored that red flag because I thought I’d mostly be working with the other owner. Their arrangement seemed perfect: one owner handled financial planning behind the scenes while the other brought in clients. It worked—until it didn’t.

When the owners split, I stayed with the narcissist because the other advisor was pushing people into products that didn’t seem right for them. With the narcissist, I had the freedom to create plans and had tons of autonomy because, frankly, he didn’t know how to do much of the work himself.

At first, it felt like we were all in it together: the admin, the junior advisor, the narcissist, and me. We were a team against the other owner who had left. But that unity didn’t last. One by one, the narcissist started trying to turn the whole team against one person (a new person each time). Even during the busiest times, he was often on vacation—sometimes two trips a month. It became an issue. I finally told him I thought he needed to be around more, and he completely lost it. He exaggerated everything, telling the team I said he didn’t do his job. That was the turning point when we all lost respect for him and where the other two finally realized he was a narcissist.

After that, I avoided talking to him unless absolutely necessary and focused on my work. I loved my job and didn’t want to lose it (I worked from home so it was really easy not to talk to each other). Meanwhile, my husband hit a milestone at work, earning the “magic number” I always thought would mean I could quit my job if I needed to.

The last few months were amazing. I was working in a job I didn’t financially need but genuinely enjoyed. That felt like a dream—or at least my dream. But then, 2.5 weeks ago, everything shifted.

The owner asked me to take on a project that was technically his responsibility, but I agreed. Neither of us knew how to handle it, but I tackled it anyway. He doesn’t like to be bothered with anything and expects everything to magically happen without his involvement until he steps in to meet with clients. I was doing tasks that no advisor should ever delegate to support staff. Then, during a phone call, he accused me of being frustrated with him—which I wasn’t. By the end of the call, he admitted that he was frustrated with me for asking him a question that he swore he already told me the answer to. I told him I needed to talk to my husband to decide if this job was still the right fit. The next morning, I quit.

Now I’m a stay-at-home mom. I’ve been helping a friend who is an advisor, unpaid, just to stay connected to the industry I love.

Where I Am Now
I’m scared. I’m loving it. I’m bored to tears. I’m rediscovering other passions—all at the same time.

I feel a little lonely without much work while my kids are at school. I’m still pursuing my CFP certification because I want the option to go back to work once my kids are in school full-time. My house has never been so clean (despite two little dudes running around). My dinners are more creative, and we’re baking for the holidays and actually doing all of those crafts my kids have been wanting to do. That part is wonderful.

But I’m scared too. What if I want to go back to work and I’ve been out of the industry too long? What if we need my extra income next year? Should I have stayed, swallowing my pride and ignoring his rude comments? After all, I loved the actual work.

I don’t know. Maybe I’ll never know. I don’t believe in fate, but I do think I’ve become wise enough to know when to walk away. I believe I have a skill for weighing risk versus reward. The reward of staying in a soul-crushing job with a narcissist no longer outweighed the emotional toll it took.

Now, I’m more present with my kids, and they’re growing so fast.

What’s Next?
Everything will be okay in the end. But I know my feelings will ebb and flow until this new normal settles in. Right now, it feels both strange and wonderful. It’s frightening, yet freeing. And I’m learning to embrace all of it.

To Have a Third Baby or Not?

Ever since my husband and I seriously started talking about having children, the plan has always been to have two, with the possibility of a third if the first two were the same gender. He really wanted a boy, and I had always hoped for a girl. Now that we have two boys, I find that I don’t have a strong desire for a girl anymore—boys are so much fun! However, I sometimes wonder if I might miss out on a unique and important relationship by not having a daughter. I talk to my mom frequently, whereas my brother rarely talks to her. Many women describe their mothers as their best friends, a bond that’s not often echoed by sons, even by so-called momma’s boys.

Lately, I’ve felt like there’s a missing piece in my life, and I’ve been yearning for another baby. Here are some of my thoughts, both for and against the idea, which might help me sort out this ongoing debate in my mind.

Against: Middle Child Syndrome

My younger son, who is still very much my baby at three, would probably feel devastated if a new baby came along. He loves to be carried, snuggled, and have things done for him, enjoying being the center of attention. My oldest is comfortable in his big brother role and enjoys helping out. Introducing a third child might turn my middle one into the stereotypical “middle child,” feeling left out and struggling to find his place.

Against: Disrupting the Sibling Bond

My two boys have an incredible bond, partly because they only have each other. When they fight, they’re forced to make up quickly because they would rather play together than stay mad. A third child might change that dynamic, giving them the option to exclude each other rather than work through conflicts.

Pro: A Chance to Do Things Differently

I’m in a unique position to keep a baby home with me all day, meaning no pumping would be necessary, and I could nurse full-time. This is something I’ve always wanted to do but couldn’t manage with my older boys. It feels like a second chance to do things the way I’ve always desired.

Pro: Feeling Capable

Many mothers I know seem overwhelmed all the time. While I recognize that parenting has its challenges, I don’t feel that way. I feel like I’ve got a handle on things, and I don’t find parenting as difficult as others might describe. Adding another child doesn’t feel as daunting when you’re confident in your ability to manage.

Against: Fear of Overwhelm

Despite feeling capable, there’s a real concern that adding a baby to the mix could push me over the edge. Right now, life with a 3-year-old and a 6-year-old is manageable, even enjoyable. But a newborn means sleepless nights and more demands, which could lead to me feeling grumpy and overwhelmed. I remember disliking the baby phase and feeling immense relief when each of my boys turned two.

Pro: My Oldest Would Shine as a Big Brother

My oldest is already a fantastic big brother, and I have no doubt he would excel in that role again. Sometimes, I think I’d have eight kids if I only considered how wonderful he is at helping and loving his younger brother.

Pro: More Love, More Family

The idea of having a larger family appeals to me. I love the idea of more people to share life with, more love and warmth around the dinner table during holidays, and more family to support each other as we age.

Against: Vision of the Future

I often hear people suggest imagining your future holiday dinners when deciding on family size. This image changes for me. With a third child, I imagine cozy family dinners at home, surrounded by kids, their spouses, and grandkids. But with just two, I see us being able to take more adventurous family vacations, like a week of skiing together over the holidays. It’s a different kind of joy, but one I value nonetheless.

Against: Starting Over

We’re past the hardest years of parenting, and things are becoming easier. Do I really want to start over with the sleepless nights, diaper changes, and the intense demands of a newborn?

Against: My Health and Fitness

At 39, I’ve made significant progress in my fitness and health, and I love the way I look and feel. I’m in better shape now than before I had kids, and the idea of a new pregnancy and postpartum body changes is scary. I’m not sure I want to risk the progress I’ve made.

Conclusion: Choosing to Stay With Two

After weighing all the pros and cons, I’ve decided to stick with two children. While the idea of a third child is tempting and the thought of more love and connection is appealing, the reality of our current life feels balanced and fulfilling. Our boys have a strong bond, and introducing a third might disrupt that closeness. I also cherish the freedom and ease we’re beginning to enjoy as a family, as well as the personal progress I’ve made with my health and fitness.

Life with two children allows us to embrace both the joys of family time and the possibility of adventurous experiences as the kids grow older. It provides a balance that feels right for us now. The yearning for another baby is more about the sentiment of what could be rather than a true desire to change our family dynamic. We are happy as we are, and I am confident in the love and joy our two boys bring to our lives.