I frequently find myself grappling with opposing desires. At times, I wonder if this is a result of being a woman, being overly emotional, or perhaps just the nature of modern parenthood. I often yearn for things that are in direct conflict with each other.
For instance, I want another baby, maybe even two more. Yet, I dread the thought of being pregnant again and would love to skip past the first two years of sleepless nights and constant crying. The reality is, I desire the joy and fulfillment that another child could bring, but I am acutely aware of the financial cost and added stress it would entail.
Then there’s the idea of having backyard chickens. The thought of fresh eggs and a little slice of rural life in our backyard is appealing. However, I worry that our small yard wouldn’t accommodate them well, and the cost might outweigh the benefits. Plus, I dislike feeling tied down to our house, which is exactly what chickens would do.
While we’re on this topic, I also want a dog. The companionship and joy a dog could bring to our family is tempting, but I hesitate at the thought of added expenses, scratched floors, and rugs ruined by potty training accidents.
Some days, I dream of having all these things and embracing the extra responsibilities they bring. Other days, I crave a carefree lifestyle where I’m not tied down and can move about whenever and wherever I please. Yet, with two young kids and a husband who works in an office and rarely takes vacations, being tied down is my current reality.
So, why do I keep entertaining these ideas? Perhaps it’s because I recognize that while my life is already filled with responsibilities, adding something new could bring joy and fulfillment that outweigh the drawbacks. In a way, these conflicting desires highlight a deeper truth about parenting and life in general: it’s a constant balancing act between what we want and what we can realistically manage.
In conclusion, it’s okay to have opposing desires and to dream of a life that seems contradictory. Embracing these contradictions is part of the journey, and it’s through this process that we often find what truly matters to us. Whether or not I ever get the chickens, the dog, or another baby, I think it is probably just important to embrace where we are now in our lives and be open to opportunities as they may arise. I think I am done trying to have control all of time. I just want to be open to whatever presents itself in this beautiful crazy life.
Suburban Sprout 